I am beginning to think that there is something to the two-year mark. As I've mentioned before, a friend of mine (a 2x stomach cancer survivor before 30) said that surviving cancer is like walking away after being in a horrific car crash, and you turn around as you walk away and take a look at what you just went through and you can't believe that you made it out. I am just now starting to understand what he meant. I am emotionally thawing out.
In my 19 months as a survivor, I have progressed from seeing a psychologist while going through treatment to needing a full-blown, med-prescribin' psychiatrist. One of the first things he told me that is finally starting to sink in is that I have PTSD. Gee, I thought I just had chemo brain, but I've since discovered that memory loss and cognitive dysfunction are some of the most common symptoms of PTSD. He first put me on Effexor, but that only delayed the emotional healing I need to do because it kept me completely numb. So now, I see him weekly and I spend most of the hour crying....but despite all that sadness and anger, knowing that I am running straight toward my problems and not away from them gives me hope.
One thing that angers me most is that other people do not understand that cancer-free does not mean free from cancer. Some people I know think that since I am done with chemo that I am completely well. I can say unequivocally that I am not well. But I think the further away I walk from the car crash of my life that is breast cancer, the scars and bumps and bruises will heal, and I am hopeful that when I turn around and look at that crash, I will no longer feel as if I am waiting for the next one.